Being her Sapphic Goddess
by accionerds
Summary: All about Dantana. Trigger warning - some self harm, anxiety and depression issues
1. Chapter 1

She is gorgeous, funny and sweet and I will make her mine. I've been thinking this since she walked me home. The moment our lips met I thought my heart would explode. I don't know how I've been keeping up the illusion of confidence around her, she makes me so nervous. I check my appearance for a final time before leaving my apartment for hers.

Her hair shines in the light, her dark eyes twinkle and make my heart race. When she smiles I just want her. She's not like other girls, I feel like all of her attention is on me all night. As nervous as it makes me it reminds me that this is a girl that is actually interested in me. She is adorable and just makes my heart melt. She makes me feel like I belong in New York. I didn't think I could feel this comfortable around someone so quickly.

It was such a fun night; we drank champagne, laughed and messed around. There were these small moments throughout where it was like we were alone. Kurt and Rachel seemed to disappear and all I could see was her. I wished we could have been alone. But we have more time for that I guess. I take a step out of her building and brace myself against the cold New York night. I love it here, the constant moving around and the noise. Even in the middle of the night it's so loud that I don't even hear her footsteps behind me.

"Hey Dani"

I stop and turn around. She runs her hands along her bare arms warming herself in the midst of the cold night. Her hair moves beautifully in the soft breeze.

"Hey, what you doing out here San? You're gonna freeze babe."

Well fuck. The word babe came out before I thought about it. Shit. She smiles and steps towards me.

"It's just that I wanted to say goodbye properly I guess..."

God she's adorable when she's nervous. I step towards her and run my hands along her cold arms. I'm so close to her I can smell her perfume.

"We just said goodbye…" I tease.

"Yeah but maybe I wanted to ki-"

I lean up to her and press my lips to hers, stopping her mid sentance. They're soft and warm. I lean into her more and I feel her heart speeding up. Our lips part and I slide my arms around her neck and press my lips against hers again. She tentatively puts her hands on my hips and pulls me closer, kissing me back. The lights and noise of a busy New York night melts away. Even the cold doesn't matter anymore, all I feel is Santana. Electricity pulses through me even as I pull away. She looks at me, her eyes dark and beautiful.

"You really are a Sapphic goddess aren't you?"

I smile and reply by brushing my lips against hers once more and whispering,

"I guess you'll have to wait and see, won't you?"

I turn and start walking home, leaving her grinning on the pavement.

Half way back I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and pull it half way out, glancing down at the screen.

_I'll only wait if you say you'll be my Sapphic goddess? ) xx_

I tap in my password and reply quickly.

_Deal ;) xx_

I can't stop smiling for the rest of the walk home.

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The light streams through the thin curtains in my apartment, burning into my eyes as I open them. I search around for my alarm before realising the noise is coming from my door. I slide out of bed and move to the door quickly, opening it.

She's stood there with that god damn smile. Holding flowers. This girl will explode my heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**The light streams through the thin curtains in my apartment, burning into my eyes as I open them. I search around for my alarm before realising the noise is coming from my door. I slide out of bed and move to the door quickly, opening it.**

**She's stood there with that god damn smile. Holding flowers. This girl will explode my heart.**

"Can I come in?"

Jeez she looks so good. Her hair, that smile, those eyes. I could get lost in those eyes...

"Dani?..."

"Oh - yeah of course, um yeah..."

I step aside letting her step into my cramped place.

"Sorry for waking you up it's just that I really wanted to see you. I've got a day off and so have you so...Oh and there's this bakery place near me that I've always wanted to try so I thought I'd bring breakfast" She smiles holding up a bag in one hand. Her eyes run along my clothes and I suddenly feel self aware. I mean here I am wearing an over sized Garfield t shirt and pyjama shorts and she's actually dressed. Fuck.

We walk into the kitchen and I tug on the bottom of the shirt, trying to make my outfit more decent. She sets the bag and flowers down onto the kitchen counter.

"Lemme just go get change-"

The end of my sentence turns into a soft moan as she kisses me hard, her hands wrap around my waist which lifts the bottom of my shirt slightly. No. Instead of wrapping my arms around her and indulging in her as I want I pull away and tug my shirt down. Her dark eyes look at me, confused and slightly hurt. Shit.

"Babe I just need to go put something proper on."

"But you look really cute just like that."

I look up at her, trying to think how I can explain that I don't feel comfortable with most of my legs showing. That I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Years of bullying have made me too self conscious to allow myself to feel comfortable.

"Um help yourself to coffee babe I'll only be a second."

"Okay sure" She turns back to the kitchen as I run into my bedroom shutting the door behind me.

I rush getting into clothes and brushing my teeth at the same time, hearing San boiling the kettle in the next room. Then pulling my hair into a respectable style and putting basic makeup on quickly. I walk out of my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. Her back's turned to me stirring a cup.

"Sugar?"

"What?"

"Do you want sugar? milk?"

"Oh, yeah milk and four sugars."

"Four?" She turns around looking vaguely alarmed.

Redness seeps into my cheeks gently. "Yeah I like things sweet"

"I'll have to remember that..."

All of my blood seems to be in my face right now. What this girl does to me...

"San, how did you know I had a day off?"

Now it's her turn to blush, her tan skin tinting red "Oh, well I may have called Gunther to see..."

I giggle, "That's adorable."

She rolls her eyes, "I don't do adorable."

I nearly roll my eyes. Because turning up with flowers and breakfast isn't adorable. Sure.

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It's been an amazing day, we ate and talked until it was late afternoon. We flirted and joked around, learning more about each other. Now it's early evening. She's curled up next to me on the sofa, her fingers intertwining with mine. Her eyebrows occasionally knit together trying to concentrate.

"I have no idea what's going on."

"That's because you wanted to watch the sequel without watching the first few films"

"The cover looked way cooler though." She looks at me. Damn she's beautiful. I laugh, kissing her hand softly.

"Yeah but still...and I can't believe you've never watched Harry Potter before now."

"It's for nerds and British people."

"So I'm a nerd?" I ask, pouting playfully.

"You're my nerd baby" She replies, smiling and winking. "But seriously what the fuck is happening in this film?"

I roll my eyes. In a few seconds she has me lying beneath her on the sofa. "Don't roll your eyes at me, it's mean."

I laugh and she leans down kissing me. The film is forgotten as she kisses away all of my earlier worries. Everything bad burns away with the warmth of her lips against mine. Her tongue runs against my lips quickly, and gently starts exploring my mouth. I forget my insecurities and give into her kisses. She's making me feel whole for the first time in years.

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I walked her home later on and walking back slowly my mind is wandering. It's so difficult. I like her way too much already. I just need to remind myself not to get too attached. I can't let myself get hurt again. I need to back off a bit.


	3. Chapter 3

**I walked her home later on and walking back slowly my mind is wandering. It's so difficult. I like her way too much already. I just need to remind myself not to get too attached. I can't let myself get hurt again. I need to back off a bit.**

"Dani, what the fuck did I do wrong?"

Shit. I look up; Santana has cornered towards the end of my shift. The diner is dead; I can't pretend I have customers to serve or things to do. I've been avoiding her for nearly two weeks now and she's been getting more and more annoyed. I like her way more than I should. I haven't known her that long and I'm scared about it.

"What are you talking about San?" I try to sound clueless.

"C'mon babe you know you've been all cold on me lately."

"I don't know what you're talking about, we've been talking."

"We've been texting. Where I send you about ten texts a day and you reply with one sentence. I am not the clingy one. Ever."

"I've just been busy" I try to get past her to go do something.

"Bullshit. You can't just run away every time I talk to you Dan."

I can try to. "Look I've just got stuff to do at the moment. If you can't deal with that then why not leave me alone?"

"I don't want to leave you alone. You can't just kiss me like you did and stop talking to me! I'm not used to being clingy and it's driving me insane now."

I walked into the back and started picking up my stuff. I heard the door move behind me. Her hand wraps around mine and tugs me to face her, my lips being pulled into hers for a sweet moment that seemed to last forever. My heart melted as her hand lifted to my face to pull me in. I could smell her perfume; feel her warm body close to me. My pulse raced in response to her. Santana pulled away from me.

"You know you want me Dani. I like you okay? I just want to know why you've been ignoring me, I don't get it."

My eyes sting slightly. I can't fucking cry, not now. No way. "Y-You're out of my league. I've been in this position before; I get attached and then get hurt…"

"What the fuck? I am no way out of your league. I'm not going to hurt you—"

"You can't guarantee that San."

"Yes. I can. You're beautiful, funny and amazing I will do everything I can to make sure you don't get hurt generally let alone get hurt by me."

"Now you're just proving you're too good for me."

"Dani I'm not too good for you. Why do you think that?"

"Because…my body doesn't look like other girls' and-" Jeez I need something else. That sounds too pathetic. "-I wear too much eyeliner."

She laughs softly at the end of my sentence. "Your body is perfect. I don't care if it's not like other girls' bodies, it's yours and I love yours. Babe if you didn't wear a lot of eyeliner I would have never flirted with you." She pulls me into her and wraps her arms around me. I sigh into the hug.

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"I'm really sorry." I say, pouring a load of sugar into a mug of hot chocolate.

"Stop apologising."

"But I am really, really sorry."

"Baby, stop apologising it's okay."

"Baby?" I raise an eyebrow at her. She laughs, showing off her perfect teeth.

"Am I not allowed to call you baby? And do that eyebrow thing more; it's like a sexy movie villain."

"But…why am I the villain?" I pout.

"Because then I can be a superhero."

"Ooh. Does that mean you'll wear a latex cat suit?"

She winks. My heart leaps. "That comes later in the relationship babe."

"Relationship?" I raise my eyebrow deliberately this time. Trying to emphasise it. I'm sure I look like a fucking moron but when I'm with her I really don't care. Santana's darker cheeks are overtaken by a deep red blush. I grin and hand her a mug.

"Um…well. Maybe I want to er…call you my girlfriend?"

A smile creeps across my face. "I think you'll have to ask me properly babe."

She sighs dramatically, putting the mug down and dropping to her knees, "Dani Harper, will you do me the honour of becoming my girlfriend?"

I laugh, "Do I have to?..."

"I won't kiss you until you agree."

"Of course I will you loser." I pull her up by her hands, kissing her.

We curl up and watch crappy TV together for the rest of the night, talking and laughing. I don't know what this girl does to me but I don't want to let go of it.


	4. Chapter 4

"No Santana, oh my god no no no!" I yell out. She laughs.

"Stop it..." I whine.

"Baby it's just a game!" She giggles, pausing the game and smiling at me. Damn. It's been a few months and that smile makes my heart race still.

"Yeah but it's a game that you're winning after never playing it before" I pout. Her controller is thrown to the floor as she reaches over and pulls me to her, she leans down and kisses me softly.

"Don't pout Dan" she mutters, kissing my collarbone softly.

"I'll pout more if you do this" I laugh, nuzzling into her neck gently.

"That's so mean though!"

"Why?"

"Because...because I love you and I don't want to see you looking sad" she freezes as soon as she finishes the sentence. "Um..."

I pull her head up and kiss her "I love you too San"

Her grin widens and she kisses me back. I reach out and grab my controller.

"As you love me so much maybe you should let me win"

"No way babe" she laughs and picks hers up from the floor.

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The buzzing wakes me up, Santana's phone is on the bedside table, lighting up the dark room. She's lying across me still fast asleep, I gently push her away and press the power button on her phone. As I switch it off the text flashes before my eyes. My mind races as I try to recall who the fuck Brittany is and why she's telling my girlfriend she loves her. I can't breathe.

**I'm sorry it's so short, I've been away and having some issues right now.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Trigger Warning - Self harm and Abuse**

**My mind races as I try to recall who the fuck Brittany is and why she's telling my girlfriend she loves her. I can't breathe.**

I feel sick, memories overtaking my rational thinking. Bile pushes into my throat and images float around in my head.

_"It's not my fault you're not enough for me. Calm the hell down."_

Jesus. I run my hands through my hair, pulling on my clothes quickly. I pick up everything of mine around San's room throwing it all into my bag. I fumble with the zip, my hands shaking too much.

_"Come on Dani did you really think that you deserved all of my love? Why isn't part of it enough for you?"_

The hoodie I pull around me feels warm and comforting. It's Santana's. I pull it off throwing it back down and resigning to only a t-shirt in a cold New York night.

_"What the fuck are you doing? You've got nowhere to go, you've got no one to go to. You wouldn't dare leave me."_

I need to get my composure, I'm not that girl any more. I'm stronger now. Still, my eyes sting with tears as I open her door as quietly as I can. I'm never gonna be strong enough to face her right now. I sneak out of her place as quietly as I can. It's 3am and New York is still awake outside. I leave the building, the cold hitting me instantly. My arms sting with cold.

_My arms stung as her hands wrapped around them, pushing me into the wall. Hard. "Come on Dani, remember who's in charge here. I don't want to have to hurt that pretty little face again." She growled into my ear, her grip tightening, nails digging into my bruised skin._

No one bothers me as I walk to mine, no one notices the short girl falling apart. They never do. Tears streak down my face, pulling my mascara into black lines along my cheeks. My numb hands fumble with my keys as I approach my building.

_"Who's gonna take you in sweetheart? Your parents? No. Your friends? They're all my friends first. You leave me and you ruin your life. No one else will want you. Who needs a weak broken girl? Who's gonna love a girl with scars? I'm all you have left. You're not thinking properly. If you leave you may never come to me for help again." The long red nails ran into my skin, cutting open my scars. Inside and outside._

I open my door and slam it behind me , throwing my bag down and collapsing against the wall. I trusted her, I thought she loved me. For the first time in years I didn't think anyone would hurt me. I curl up, pulling my knees into my chest and trying to breathe. The tears streak down my face as I sob into my jeans. I really am pathetic.

_I pushed her back into the wall in front of me. Her black hair slid over her face and she gasped in shock. "You little pathetic bitch don't you dare hit back. Don't you dare leave. You are pathetic without me". I ran. I left the bruises and the pain, the razors and the tears. I took my stuff and got away from the short life I had with Becca._

_"Yes. I can. You're beautiful, funny and amazing I will do everything I can to make sure you don't get hurt generally let alone get hurt by me." _She lied to me. I knew I wasn't good enough for her and she's found someone else that's good enough.

I was strong. But the girl that made me almost whole again has broken me with one text. I loved her, I thought she loved me. What is the point of any of this now? I feel numb. I need release...the only way I know how.

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The razor drags against my skin. The blood that surges up shines dark red against the pale colour of my skin, my tears run down my face as I pull the sharp edge into my arm, opening up wounds that are years old. With every sharp scarlet line across my skin I undo all of the work I did. All those happy days, those struggles to keep clean, I make them all useless with each cut. But my body feels awake, I feel the emotions again. I feel pain, my numbness fading with the sharp cuts. The blood runs down my arm.

Instinct kicks in, muscle memory reawakens and the thin blade passes between my hands and I start to draw the familiar pattern along my other arm. I remember how deep to cut how long to savour the slice for. Tears dripping down into my neck. I drown in my struggle to breathe. I drag myself into the shower, letting the boiling water sting my skin, burning my open cuts. I revel in the pain, the release from numb existence. Rivulets of water run down my body, mixing my blood and tears into water, letting it circle the drain in a pale pink before washing away.

All I can feel is pain, both old and new. I reawaken my old self, the person I couldn't stand to see in the mirror, the person that was never strong enough to fight back, the person that drowned in her sorrows. The person I resolved never to be again after I walked out on Becca.

She's broken me.


	6. Chapter 6

******Trigger Warning - Self harm**

**She's broken me.**

Two weeks.

Two weeks of calling in sick for work, I can't keep this up forever. Two weeks of not eating properly, just enough to keep me alive. Two weeks of not turning my phone on or answering the door. I don't want to face her, I'm a coward. Two weeks where the familiar arms of depression embrace me like an old friend. I hate it.

I need help but I can never ask for it, I've never been able to. All I can do is cut my skin, slice through the numbness and feel the pain I need to feel alive. But that makes me hate myself which ends up deepening my depression, it's a vicious and ruthless circle. My arms are covered in scars, ones that had been fading for years. I can't go to the diner, I can't wear that short sleeved shirt. Everyone will know, everyone will judge me. I need to get a grip, I need to piece my life back together. I will eventually. But for now I alternate slicing my arms and my thighs in one of the most sick and twisted routines that could exist. I hate myself.

But I don't hate her, I love her. I was strong enough to walk away from her but I'm weak enough to need her.

I end up slumped against the bathroom tiles, starting my new routine, re decorating my left arm. My breathing is unsteady. Then the incessant knocking starts, five minutes later it's still there. Ten minutes later, still. I hit my head against the wall and resign myself to face the person at the door. Probably my landlord. I throw a long t-shirt over my underwear, holding my arm against the shirt. I let the blood soak into the cotton as I walk over to the door. I open it with my right hand, just enough to show my face but not my arm.

She looks like hell but my heart skips a beat anyway. Her eyes are red, with tired shadows underneath, she's wearing sweatpants. I haven't seen her like this before but she's still beautiful but tinted with sadness.

I try to keep my voice level, "what?"

"Dani are you being serious right now?! I tell you I love you and you leave before I wake up!" Tears fill her eyes and I can almost feel my broken heart being crushed further. "Two weeks of no texts back, no calls back, you haven't been to the diner! And today is the first day I've managed to get up here because you wouldn't fucking buzz me into your building. I thought you loved me too? But all you can say is what?!"

I blink at her, taking this all in "how are you blaming this on me? That isn't fair, I thought I was the only one that you loved!" I don't mean to shout it's just happening.

"What? Just let me in and we can talk about this." She lifts her hand towards my face and I move backwards. She looks hurt.

"There's nothing to talk about. I don't date cheaters."

"What the fuck? Why would I ever cheat on you? Why would I need anyone else Dan?"

"Because I'm not enough and clearly this fucking Brittany is!" She recoils as if I've slapped her, blood seeps into my skin through the shirt.

I try to shut the door but she puts her foot in the space between the door and the frame. No. Fuck she can't see me like this. My face looks bad enough but my arms and legs, no way.

"Dani I'm not leaving until you let me in. Let me explain."

I sigh, time to be strong. I let go of the door and she pushes it open, stepping in slowly. I try to breathe, fend off the panic attack closing in on me.

"Dan it's really dark in here, can I switch on the light?"

I close my eyes and breathe and await the burst of light that hits me accompanying the clicking noise. I hear a sharp intake of breath, I know she can see me and I can't fight the tears any more. Her voice finally breaks through my thoughts, shakily.

"Wh-What the fuck?..."


	7. Chapter 7

**Trigger Warning – Self harm and depression**

**"Wh-What the fuck?"**

I feel like I'm going to be sick, my heart beats loud in my chest and I am hit with the simple realisation of how pathetic I really am. I did deserve to be cheated on. I need to leave. I can't even open my eyes to look at her.

Her arms wrap around me tightly and her lips press to my forehead softly. My entire resolve shatters and I can't hold back any more tears; she wraps her arms more tightly around me. I can't even pretend not to love her, she broke my heart into pieces but I can't help it. I finally feel like I can breathe properly with her fingers gently running through my hair.

"Babe. It's gonna be okay. Let's clean you up yeah?" Santana says gently, her lips brushing softly against my forehead.

I nod into her shoulder and let her lead me into the bathroom. She slowly pulls my stained shirt off of me and discards it onto the bathroom floor. Her eyes linger for more than a moment too long on the sliced skin on my legs. She doesn't look disgusted, she looks sad. I don't know which is worse.

"San-"

"Dani, no talking. You're going to let me take care of you tonight and I can explain everything and if you still don't want to be with me then I'll leave."

Her fingers wrap tenderly around my wrist as she pulls it towards the sink, the lukewarm water she runs caresses the dried scarlet stains, pulling them away into tainted water drips. She runs her fingers over my arm as softly as she can, removing the remnants of my latest moment of complete weakness. My breathing hitches as she presses slightly too hard.

"Sorry, I'm really trying to be gentle. I don't really know what I'm doing." I feel so bad, she shouldn't have to put up with me like this.

I nod softly burying my face into the warmth of her neck. Santana pulls a towel from the rail and dabs gently, drying without reopening my cuts.

Words aren't needed as she takes me back into my room and pulls clothes out of my drawer. I'm shocked. Short sleeves, really? Because the blatant patterns along my arms haven't been displayed enough? I pull it on, too worn down to mention it. My heart hurts too much to argue more.

Her dark hair falls into her eyes and for the first time I notice how tired she looks. She looks broken, dark circles on her tan skin. She moves backwards onto my bed, sweeping her hair back. Her long arms reach out for me and despite myself, my instinct to protect my heart from those that hurt me, I curl up into her lap. Her lips are next to my ear so she only has to mutter gently.

"So you think I cheated on you?"

I nod, feeling small and pathetic. "I-I. Your phone was going off and the light woke me up. I went to turn it off and you had a text saying she loves you." No need to explain who "she" is. Santana's eyes tell me she knows instantly.

"Brittany is my ex." Fuck, I thought I'd heard the name before.

"But she was also my best friend for as long as I can remember, I love her but not in the way that I love you. I will always love Brittany but like a sister. I would never cheat on you. Ever. Who would need anyone else? I would have to be absolutely insane to do that. When I said I love you I meant it. These last two weeks have been hell Dani. I thought you'd had enough of me, I thought that I had fucked up and I guess I did by not explaining everything about my last relationship. If I had had any idea that things were this bad for you I wouldn't have left your building until you let me in. I can't bear seeing you like this and knowing that I might have contributed to you hurting yourself…it makes me sick." Tears prick into the corner of my eyes and I turn my head into her shoulder. "You deserve the world babe, and if it was possible for me to give it to you then I would. But I can promise not to judge you, to love you no matter what. Please, I'm begging you to understand that I would never have cheated on you and I know you might not trust me right now but I'll work hard to get that back. I'm so sorry."

I push my lips against her collarbone gently and she elicits a soft sigh. I love her. I can't help it.

"Dani?"

"I'm tired Santana." I pull my head away from under hers and look up at her. There are no other words right now, I can't bring myself to explain everything now. But I am tired, I'm so tired of myself, tired of hating myself, tired of hurting for so long. Santana nods gently and starts to move but I don't move to allow her to get up.

"Stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone any more."

She nods.


	8. Chapter 8

**"Stay with me tonight. I don't want to be alone any more."**

**She nods.**

I wake up and her arms are wrapped tightly around me still, instinctively I pull away. Terror fades quickly as my memory reinstates and I remember that it's Santana. Jesus what is wrong with me? My heart is still beating quickly as her voice startles me further.

"Dani? Are you okay?" I turn and look at her. She hasn't slept, obviously. It makes me feel worse. I didn't even think that was possible.

"Yeah. I just was startled."

"Baby it's 3am, go back to sleep."

I curl back into her body, my heart slowing as I feel her arms around me again and this time it makes me feel safe. Her head rests against the top of mine breathing gently into my hair. It relaxes me, I feel warm. I feel safe.

"Thank you San." I mutter quietly into her neck.

"For what?"

"For staying with me. For not freaking out. For everything." She exhales slowly before answering that.

"Dani, if I even thought about doing any of that then I wouldn't deserve you even slightly."

"No it would have just made you like everyone else."

"Fuck them. They don't deserve even a tiny bit of attention if they can't stand by you."

"But why didn't you even freak out about it?"

"Can we talk about this later?" I sigh against her neck.

"Okay. But still, thank you."

I lean up and kiss her cheek gently.

"You're welcome." Her eyes meet mine, the dark brown colour comforts me, her eyelashes missing mascara, her skin bare of foundation. She still looks beautiful. Just the dark circles on her tan skin taint her beauty. They are the makes that come from my mistakes. I was the reason she didn't sleep, and in this tiny moment of complete serenity I realise that she really loves me. Just as much as I love her. I feel like I could be happy again. I don't feel as broken. If I can't fight her demons maybe she will fend them off. I fell for her playful protective side but I am just as in love with the soft caring side of her. I am hers and she will never treat me badly. No words could convey all of this but they aren't needed. All that's important is us, and the rest of the world melts into the background. Nothing else matters. I am safe with her.

**Sorry it's short I've got some personal stuff happening and I've been getting some writers block. I'll try to get a proper chapter up soon.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Trigger Warning - Self Harm**

**No words could convey all of this but they aren't needed. All that's important is us, and the rest of the world melts into the background. Nothing else matters. I am safe with her.**

**Santana's POV**

I still can't sleep. Dani went back to sleep ages ago. She's curled up against me, her head tucked under my neck. Warm breath caresses my skin. Thoughts keep whipping around my head like a tornado. Blonde hair moves slightly against me and I raise my hand running fingers through her hair softly. Warm air brushes against my collarbone in a soft sigh.

I'm so tired. All the noise in my head is keeping me awake though. I know I should be comfortable; I should be able to sleep better than I have in weeks. But if she wakes up and I'm asleep? Whatever is going through her head scares me slightly but I need to protect her, to keep her safe. Even if I'm keeping her safe from whatever is going on inside of her. I feel useless, like I can't possibly understand what's going on. How can I help her if I've never gone through this myself?

I can't believe this happened. It feels like I let this happen. Not only was it my fault, well technically Brittany's but I should have explained this to her before. We didn't talk enough; we fell into this relationship so quickly that we never had _those_ conversations, those conversations that keep you up until 5am. Those conversations where you get to know that person more than any other person knows them. In those moments you learn about every small part of them, even their demons but I guess I had been deluding myself into thinking that her only issues were with anxiety.

Today she looked beautiful, tragically so. It broke my heart, how she looked at me. Like she was scared I was going to hit her. Like she was scared I would blame her, yell at her. I couldn't stand that look above all else. I was shocked. Obviously. But I could never have walked out. Call it a morbid need to at least know why or call it a selfless decision. Whatever. I don't care what it is. All I know is that I wouldn't have ever been able to stand myself if I had walked away. She's broken and I feel the need to fix her, to protect her from ever breaking like that again. Like a broken vase that's been glued back together, the cracks left don't affect the beauty. She's still Dani, she's still the girl I fell for completely. This doesn't change anything.

Her scars are a part of her, they always will be. But I need to know what broke her to this point. I don't believe that her story is all that happy. I run my finger along her cheek. Softly I pick up her wrist and slowly pull it closer to me. I don't want to wake her. The cuts are older on this arm, an array of red tones. I feel the familiar sting of tears in the corners of my eyes as I realise some of the scars must be years old. I pull her arm closer to me and press my lips to the cut closest to her hand, I slowly and precisely kiss every scar. Moving slowly down her arm and starting to copy my movements on her other arm. Tears fill the bottom of my eyes as my lips press against the newest cuts. Reaching the end of her arm I whisper against her arm.

"I love you, so much."

A tear starts to run down my cheek and her hand wipes it away. Opening my eyes I see a familiar pair of brown eyes looking up at me. Her mouth is slightly open as she meets my eyes.

"I love you too Santana."

**Ok so I have no idea about how this idea is working out right now. It could be going completely shit, I'm open to constructive criticism. I'm sorry if the story is moving slowly, I've hit some writing block with the plot so if anyone has any ideas feel free to help me out. Otherwise sorry for how long it's taking me to get chapters up.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Trigger Warning - Self Harm/Depression**

**"I love you too Santana"**

**Dani's POV**

I'm warm, and safe. Santana's arms around me relax me but I don't get it. I'm not feeling happy; I guess you can't just flip a switch on your emotions. Or maybe it's something else; maybe I need to tell her about everything. My family, Becca, everything that broke me. I move gently out of her arms and get out of bed. Glancing back I see that she's still asleep, probably tired after spending all night awake. I tiptoe to the kitchen and turn on the light. Flipping the switch on the kettle I start my scavenger hunt through the few cupboards in my small kitchen. It almost makes the bile rise in my throat, it does disgust me the way I treat myself. When I can't find any food for love nor money, if I can't look after myself am I ever going to be able to look after San?

Pushing air through my teeth I pull two mugs out of the bare space, scrounging half a coffee can and some milk from the empty abyss of my cupboards and fridge. My hands settle into the familiar morning routine but I can't help my eyes from wandering to the patterns adorning my arms. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, how the fuck am I meant to do this? Too bad courage doesn't come the way coffee does. Instant.

Walking over to the bedroom I leave the mugs on the bedside table. Her hair is spread over her face, breathing slowly and softly in the most adorable way. Maybe there is instant courage, love. I need to tell her, I need her to know. Setting down the mugs I move to get the box. Its haphazardly shoved under the sofa with a blade missing. Photos, letters and a load of crap I should've thrown out years ago, these mix with the glinting metal in the battered brown shoebox. Secrets and memories in a box I shouldn't have dragged around with me for this long.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Coffee drained, Santana and I sit cross legged on the bed facing each other.

"Dani. What's in the box?"

I snap out of the dull emptiness occupying my head for the moments we had been sat there for. My mouth is dry and I can't summon whole words, only choke out syllables. Starts of sentences never to be finished only left in the air between us. With no words left to attempt I simply lift the old dented lid and place it aside. I sorted through the box while Santana woke up so I'm not going to slice my hand when I reach in for the stack of photos.

I lead her through them, my childhood. Backgrounds and seasons and other people changing around me, I explain my family. My parents both still alive but refusing to communicate with their own daughter since they realised she isn't straight. I talk about how I grew up with no siblings to play with and in the absence of social skills I had few friends. But I talk about how I wasn't bullied as a child, I was simply ignored.

This isn't a sob story, I don't have the reasons for my sadness hidden within these photos, there are no secrets and hallowing scars that my depression lives within. My parents weren't poor, I had a good childhood. I had no friends but I wasn't particularly lonely. This is where part of my guilt lies though. There are a million people with every right to feel like I do but I do not have this luxury, my emotions control me simply because they can.

I am not a damaged abused child and in short and unelaborate ways I tell this to the girl opposite me. The girl whose eyes darken as I show her the first pictures of me in NYC. Becca by my side in every photo, protective hands holding me into prize position. There are many photos; I was a trophy for her, nothing more…except perhaps a sexual release. These are the photos that make my blood run cold through my veins; the photos that make tears drip down my face and these are the photos that make Santana speak for the first time in over an hour.

"Who is that woman?"

**So this is another short chapter but I actually have an idea of where this is leading so it shouldn't take too long to get the next chapter up.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Trigger Warning - Self Harm/Depression/Abusive Relationships**

**"Who is that woman?"**

"Um…well she was—she was my first relationship."

The word relationship almost makes me wince. Santana stays quiet, I swallow and struggle to work the words out.

"I came to New York and I met her after a couple of months of really struggling, I was alone and poor. I was working two jobs for rent and food and I had no friends. It was such a low point in my life, when I had spare time I would just lie in bed and think about how I wanted to die." Her eyes lift instantly and look up at me, scared.

"I don't think I could have ever done it, but I didn't want to be living that way for much longer. I had given up when I met her. Becca saved me I guess, it was like a complete dream, this movie ending but it wasn't what I thought it would be you know?" She nods slightly, her dark brown eyes looking at me.

"She wasn't who I thought she was but by the time I found that out we were living together and I was in too deep. It took a long time for me to leave her. But that's when I started cutting. I would fuck up in some way and she would hit me or whatever. I would cut myself because I thought I deserved punishment-" I exhale slowly.

"-I thought I needed punishing because I fucked up and also because I always let her hurt me. I was getting lower and lower but I stayed because I was scared, I stayed because I thought in her own sick and twisted way that she loved me like I loved her but I had no idea what the fuck love was. You don't do that shit to someone you love and it took her cheating for me to realise she was not a good person. Something in me woke up and I walked away. I stopped cutting and told myself I wouldn't be that weak again."

Santana is looking up at me; the look in her eyes is something I haven't seen before. It's not pity, it's not fear or disgust. Its love and care and everything I've been missing for so long, tears run down her tanned cheeks slowly and she chokes out the words "I'm so sorry, I didn't know that would have triggered you, I didn't know…I should have told you about Brittany, please can you forgive me Dani? I will never ever hurt you like she did."

My eyes sting and hot tears drip down my face. "It wasn't your fault, you have no need to apologise Santana."

She pushes the box aside and pulls me into her arms, my head buries into her shoulder as I can't hold back from crying now. Eventually her voice shatters the timeless embrace, the tears now dried on my face but her arms still tightly around me. "Why have you kept this stuff?"

"It's all I have left of my life, as much as I would like to forget what else do I have?"

"You have me." She reaches out and pulls the box back, taking the photos delicately from my hands and picking up a blade from the box with an obvious unfamiliarity with it. Taking one of the photos from the later years, a summer that I spent wearing sweaters. She slowly slices the blade through the centre of the photo.

"Try it." It sounds like a command but she's actually asking me. I pick up another photo, I hate this one with a vengeance. I look so happy and the mask I had to wear is evident now, it makes me sick. The blade feels normal in my hand but I'm wary of this. Digging the sharp edge through the thick paper is like a relief. It actually feels good. It's like cutting away baggage, I know this will never rid me of memories but not holding on to these feels amazing now. Destroying the bad memories is something I haven't been able to do before but I really like it.

Santana sits with me while I slice through every bad memory; she indulges me in letting me cut every few strands connecting me to my past. It feels like a fresh start, I'm ready for this and I never thought I'd have this chance again.


End file.
